Naw Ruz. The Fast came and went along with another year. And I’m alone but I like it. I chose it because that last half hour of sunlight felt like all the weight of this Fast was coming down onto me and my heart was beating a little too quick and for some reason I could feel it the way I feel it when I’m by the water or when our voices are echoing prayers off of cliffs or my hands are stretched up towards the redwoods and I’m disoriented.
With the first sip of water I feel light again. Clear for the first time in a while. My feet take me away and I don’t care where - a year ago I would have needed a plan but I’m able to not care. I love this city right now. Two weeks from now, I will be cursing its existence, but right now, it loves me.
That feeling of home as being within me and I’m grateful. For resilience that appears from nowhere and for being able to feel and for the sweetest love - my boy who just gets it. He just loves the way I need it and I’m grateful. For all the people in my life who love me even if I’m messy and in touch out of touch and miles away.
Last year was the Year of Patience. Anita was talking about naming years and I liked that. Last year was the year of accepting and learning to love the wait. I think this year will be the Year of Tenderness. Of open arms and trust and we’re all so starved of that sweetness.
I’m on a quest in this most harsh of cities to drain it of all its affectionate goodness. I’m trying to be brave.
I’ll let you know how it goes. Happy Naw Ruz.
2 months ago